I’ve never quite gotten that metaphor. What is it supposed to mean? Being brain-scattered? Forgetful? Single-tracked? Or just plain stupid, as a remnant of that archaic, but not obsolete, way of dismissing woman’s intellect?
For me, it’s not that I’ve suddenly turned stupid, but that my mind is so occupied with anxiety (-ies) of guilt, performance, neediness (mine, hers, and his), that there’s hardly any room left.
I can multitask, but when it comes to big things, I’ve always been a mono-tasker. Like, umm, yeah, I can watch tv and read a book and listen to a conversation all at the same time (behold the talent!), but I can’t for the life of me even begin to think of putting words to paper in any orderly, intelligible way, unless I have mounds of time ahead of me. And I don’t.
In the optimism that defined my pregnancy, I thought I would totally change. Like, what else am I going to do, right? Well, obsess, for one thing; become completely anxiety-ridden for another. I was picturing life with baby as a fairy-tale-come-to-life: you know, I was even seeing the blurry edges, the way Holywood portrays good-dream sequences. It was probably what my brain needed to get me through pregnancy and child-birth.
But now, brain’s revenge is upon me: I don’t do well with change it seems. No, no. I just can’t easily slip from my mom-persona into my academic serious-thinker one. I blame sleep-deprivation. Otherwise, I know, I can see myself shedding the mommy housecoat (where does that image come from?) and donning the academic power suit in no time at all. It just didn’t happen today: It’s past noon, and I’ve just put Eria to bed for her first nap (!), which is going to take all of thirty minutes. And that’s after an entire morning of continually trying to put her to sleep. I’m sitting here thinking of the possibility of cobbling together a proposal, you know the way I told you yesterday, when I was so much more hopeful, and I can see it slipping through my clenched fingers. It’s not gonna happen. Not this one.
I’m sure there will be other opportunities, right? RIGHT?
Oh oh, time to go. I can hear her babbling to her frog. At least I’m going to eat me some baby cheeks.